Changes are coming! In our episode last week we gave a preview of some of the changes that are coming for the podcast. Now we dive into more details and reveal what to expect in the coming weeks. Consider this our unveiling episode. To make sure you walk away with something of value we walk through the changes using the goal setting process we used to determine our new path. We talk about how to set goals and hold yourself accountable so that you can make progress.
What is a goal setting process? It is when you set goals & check in to make sure you are actually making progress.
We talk about the goal setting process we used to evaluate the direction of No Free Drinks.
Goal 1: Build a podcast called No Free Drinks started as “Not Your Ordinary Dating Podcast” where we wanted to challenge societal norms and expectations that are placed on men and women when it comes to dating, relationships, and sex.
Our evaluation: We invested in ourselves and the podcast to build our expertise. We went to Podcast Movement, Podcaster Meetups, and NY Sex Expo. When we evaluated the areas that we have expertise on to credibly speak on the podcast, we concluded that by focusing only on the dating, relationships, sex we were limiting ourselves. We can bring more value to our listeners if we expand the scope of what we talk about.
Takeaways: Define what you want to do and commit to it. Invest in yourself so that you are prepared to bring the goal into fruition.
Goal 2: Create an inclusive and safe space to drive meaningful conversations that introduce different perspectives
Our evaluation: As the podcast grew we wanted to have other conversations that didn’t fit into the sex, dating, relationship buckets- which is why we started talking about mental health and the Me too movement. These were topics that were meaningful to us but live outside of the topic areas we had defined for ourselves. We had a goal to be the experts in dating, relationships, and sex but we took a step back and realized that we have experiences and stories that go beyond the buckets we had predefined for the podcast. As we evaluated this goal we realized that we had grown beyond the scope we had defined for ourselves and if we were going to truly foster an inclusive environment we needed to present ourselves in a way where we were bringing all of ourselves into the conversations. We felt like we were missing the mark because we wouldn’t speak on certain topics because they didn’t fully fit with dating, relationships, and sex but they were important to us. By expanding the topics we speak to we are also empowered to spend more time fostering the conversations and interacting with other podcasters.
Takeaways: Assess your goals and don’t be afraid to re-evaluate them and change direction.
Goal 3: Build a brand that is known for challenging the norms when it comes to dating, relationships, and sex. We want people to know what we stand for and is it obvious to everyone else on first glance.
Our evaluation: When we ask, “what do we want you to walk away with when you interact with us” we saw that No Free Drinks wasn’t fully capturing the essence of who we are. So to hold ourselves accountable to achieving our goals, we are going to change our name to better capture who we are, introducing
Bold and Bawdy
Definition according to webster:
bold: adjective a: fearless before danger: intrepid b: showing or requiring a fearless daring spirit bawdy: adjective a. obscene, lewd b. boisterously or humorously indecent
Takeaways: Set a goal, evaluate, and if you are falling below expectations, there is no shame in re-establishing and changing direction. Don’t think you are starting over- you have already made progress, it’s worse to give up completely.
Do you have trouble setting goals and holding yourself accountable?.
Here is our checklist for helping you set realistic goals and holding yourself to them:
How do you bring your vision to life so that you can connect with the direction you need to go to?
These tools help: vision boarding, soul searching, journaling, self reflection
Start with developing SMART goals that will help you bring your vision to life- this is a tool we have used in the workplace and is effective when thinking about your personal goals
Specific (simple, sensible, significant).
Measurable (meaningful, motivating).
Achievable (agreed, attainable).
Relevant (reasonable, realistic and resourced, results-based).
Time bound (time-based, time limited, time/cost limited, timely, time-sensitive).
Have milestones: these help you break up all your goals into manageable bite sizes and keeps you on track
Have check points: these are meant to track your progress as you work towards your milestones. It makes it easy for you to stay accountable.
Communicate: share out with your team, advocates, etc. on where you are. This is also a good time to take a step back and see if your progress is in line with that big picture strategy you set in the beginning.
In this episode, the co-hosts share their plans for the future of No Free Drinks. Some exciting changes are coming, and we want to keep our listeners in the know so that you can continue to listen and contribute to the conversation. We value the loyalty of our listeners! Thinking about the concept of loyalty inspired us to cover infidelity. We talk about cheating trends, the different types of cheating, and our thoughts on whether there is coming back from infidelity in a relationship.
We open this episode with with giving listeners an update of where we are going with the direction of the podcast. Here is the sneak peek, we plan to release more information in the coming weeks starting with our next episode.
- We will be shifting to a seasonal podcast model with biweekly episode releases.
- Why: This will give us more time to engage with the community and push the conversation further
- We will expand the breadth of topics we cover.
- Why: We enjoy developing content for our listeners and our voices don’t want to stay contained to only cover topics that touch dating, relationships, and sex.
- We will be renaming the podcast & will announce the new name in our episode releasing on May 30, 2018.
- Why: The new name will bring to life how our brand is evolving and better capture the essence of the direction we want to go in the future.
We plan to share more information in next week’s episode but we did want to start having this conversation with our listeners now because we value you and your listenership. The last thing we want to do is surprise you in a way that makes you feel betrayed or that we didn’t bring you along our journey.
The topic of loyalty inspired this week’s episode topic: cheating
The definition of cheating according to Webster: to influence or lead by deceit, trick, or artifice; to be sexually unfaithful
a : unfaithfulness to a moral obligation : disloyalty
b : the act or fact of having a romantic or sexual relationship with someone other than one’s husband, wife, or partner
The trends when it comes to cheating:
- Female infidelity has increased 50% and is rapidly approaching the rate of male infidelity.
- Internet-assisted infidelity is now responsible for ⅓ of all divorces
- Workplace infidelity is on the Rise.
We discuss the 3 types of cheating. We referenced this article to get a sense of what actions are captured in the different types of cheating.
- Emotional cheating refers to a situation where one of the individuals in a relationship has a friendship where the nature of that friendship is inappropriate. Although they may “just friends” there is sexual tension involved. You consider this friend to be a confidant and will discuss intimate and confidential information about your relationship and seek advice and support from them.
- Characteristics of emotional cheating:
- Falling in love with someone else
- Looking forward to spend more time with the friend than the person you are in a relationship with
- You seek them out so they can distract you from the issues you are having in your relationship
- You start to think of the friend as someone that you can’t live without
- Characteristics of emotional cheating:
- Physical cheating: becoming physically involved with another person
- Characteristics of physical cheating:
- Touching, kissing, sex with someone that isn’t your partner
- Characteristics of physical cheating:
- Energetic Cheating: Is also called micro-cheating and Lina D calls this White Cheating- most people would say this isn’t cheating but then would be embarrassed to admit to their partner that it has happened. Think of how you feel when you tell a white lie. We also found this article that talks more about the micro-cheating trend.
- Characteristics of energetic cheating:
- Having Inappropriate thoughts about being with other people
- Fantasizing about other people as you are sleeping with your partner.
- Going to places, knowing that the other person you are sexually attracted to, will be there.
- Stalking someone that you have a sexual interest in on social media and liking their posts
- Sliding in someone’s DM with the intent to flirt and push to see if they are interested in you as well
- Purposely trying to fill an emotional void with someone else’s presence
- Some items that people consider energetic cheating but we disagree with:
- Watching porn (especially if you’re partner doesn’t know about it)
- Masturbating about someone other than your partner
- Characteristics of energetic cheating:
The co-hosts share their points of view and some of their other experiences with cheating. They wrap up the episode by discussing situations where cheating can be forgiven in a relationship and when it is a dealbreaker.
Office hookups- some people think they are no big deal, but others will tell you that they always end in disaster. In this week’s episode we talk about the dangers of office hookups and we have a juicy story to share.
Disclaimer: There are a lot of sides to office romance conversation but in this episode we focus on hookups only as these can happen by “accident” if you aren’t careful.
We kick off this episode going through some of the surprising statistics related to office romance. You can check them out in this Business Insider article. 36% of people have had a random office hookup. That is a lot in our book! We share what we think when it comes to shitting where you eat:
- Maddie: Unless you’re a temp or planning on leaving the company AND industry I’d say don’t even consider it
- As people of color in particular when it comes to career it’s such a small world that the bad decisions from happy hour will follow you longer than you think
- Boundaries are hella important; you know your level of hoe-dom- don’t push it by flirting or being playful if you know you’d smash the second they seem down
- Lina D: Always a bad idea- office culture doesn’t ever allow for things to be private.
- As a woman you have to be even more careful, men are celebrated for their sexcapades at work but women can have a harder time recovering
- Office vagina/ penis- do you really want to be the next person at the office that slept with that same person?
- Westley: No….Not messing with my money, and I definitely don’t shit where i eat…not trying to be the gossip of the workplace, and not trying to get fired
Ladies & Gentlemen, Story time is here! (Note this is abridged, you will want to listen to the episode to get the full scoop.)
First off let’s start by saying this: the main character in this story, Tracy (names have been changed to protect identities) is scared of and refuses to get tested. Now here is where the story takes a twist. He hooks up with all the Tinderellas out there without using condoms and has hooked up with five other women at work also unprotected. Of course there is going to be drama but this workplace has a zero tolerance policy on workplace romances. There is proof that people have been fired in the past for violating the policy.
We close the episode with our advice to our listeners, here is a short list: STIs are real, don’t expect special treatment if you engage in office hookups, and brace for defamation of character.
Recommended Fun Read from Cosmo!
This isn’t the first time we talk about the #MeToo movement and women’s empowerment, but it is the first time that we take on the patriarchy. Is this episode we clearly define the word and provide examples of what you can be doing to deconstruct the long standing system.
What is the basic definition of the patriarchy? This site gives us a great definition and framework that we used to guide our discussion. The patriarchy “is generally not an explicit ongoing effort by men to dominate women. It is a long-standing system that we are born into and participate in, mostly unconsciously.”
Below you can find the defnition and framework we used in the beginning of the episode:
- Male dominated
- Organized around an obsession with control
- Male identified
- Male centered
We talk through some examples where women are challenging the status quo and making progress:
- Male domination: men often occupy the most important and visible roles such as executives, politicians, public leaders. But 2016 saw an Influx of women in politics. We talk about the example of Emily’s List, the largest national organization devoted to electing female candidates. They reported that in the 10 months before the election in 2016, about 1,000 women contacted her organization about running for office or getting involved in other ways. Since the election the number has exploded to more than 22,000.
- Trends that start to challenge the definition of the “traditional” home. Social structures have created a view of the home where the man is the main breadwinner while the woman stays at home to raise the children. Over the years there has been a significant increase in the number of stay at home dads- its doubled since 1989. You can read more in this article from Pew Social Trends.
It takes time to challenge the social structures that people have grown up with in order to make a change, it is going to require more than just one conversation. Although we know that there is value in having the conversations, the next step is to think about how you can play a role in taking action. We shift to talk about specific examples of how the the patriarchy has come to life in our experiences and discuss some of the things we can do to challenge the status quo. Lina D and Maddie talk about their experiences in the workplace. And we reference an example from @2wokegurlspodcast.
What will you do to take down the patriarchy?
It’s been a minute, but we finally bring you another listener inspired episode. We wanted to continue the conversation that started in our preview post for Ep. 42- It’s a Numbers Game on instagram. What is the difference between preferences and body shaming? Join the conversation!
In this listener inspired episode we talk about the differences between body shaming and preferences. Here is the backstory: in Episode 42: It’s a Numbers Game we talked about various dating and sex topics that have something to do with numbers. Our preview inspired a conversation on instagram, you can check it out here. We have posted a portion of the comments below too.
@Theearthmomma: I think shaming men for their dick size is the equivalent of body shaming women. There’s such a double standard when it comes to this. Men need to step it up and learn how to please women in different ways other than intercourse, AND women need to step it up and demand better lovers and stop letting toxic masculinity inside of their yonis. Accepting drunken insecure men inside of us is allowing men to be weak lovers. No more faking it when it really doesn’t feel good. No more douche bags. Women have the power to force men to step up their character. Another topic you guys have brought up that seems funny on the surface but really has way more depth to climb in to
@_nofreedrinks: @theearthmomma thanks so much for your comment! You are right that this topic has a lot more layers than we speak to in this episode. I’ve hadn’t thought about shaming dick size as the equivalent of body shaming for women. I appreciate you adding that perspective because it’s true- focusing on size is another way to objectify. I agree on your point completely about women stepping up and demanding more and not settling. -Lina D
@Alastaircunning: @theearthmomma Body shaming is obviously bad. But expressing a physical preference in a sexual partner is not inherently shaming to those who aren’t endowed with that preference. And it need not be objectifying to the fortunately endowed person either. Treat everyone like a full subjectively experiencing human being, not just a means to an end but an end in themselves, and express any preference with due sensitivity to those who don’t measure up and I think we in the ethical clear. After all, encouraging women to suppress a legitimate sexual preference is hardly a healthy way to go either…
Before we dive into the conversation in the episode we define a couple of the words that are used a lot but are seldom fully understood:
Body shaming (noun)– the action or practice of humiliating someone by making mocking or critical comments about their body shape or size
Toxic masculinity- defined by adherence to traditional male gender roles that restrict the kinds of emotions allowable for boys and men to express, including social expectations that men seek to be dominant (the “alpha male”) and limit their emotional range primarily to expressions of anger.
This instagram conversation inspired a great discussion between the NFD co-hosts. Here are some of the points we raised. Listen to the episode for more!
- Westley- “I think that when it comes to both body shaming and preferences there is a fine line between shaming and liking something about someone.”
- Maddie- “I don’t know a guys dick size till I see it so I can’t technically shame him, just saying.”
- Maddie- “There’s a difference between politely saying I no longer want to sleep with you vs. I won’t talk to you at all cause you don’t fit certain parameters. Secondly is it body shaming if I’m just saying what I find attractive? I personally prefer dark skin men, that doesn’t mean I don’t think any light skin men or men or other nationalities are attractive, I am just more sexually aroused and my interest is piqued by dark skinned men.”
- Lina D- “I am always sensitive when expressing my preferences with a new partner. I don’t want to say something that triggers a reaction, so I am never rude. I will diplomatically express my disinterest and keep it moving.”
We somehow started talking about the dick slang- we couldn’t help ourselves. Here is the link to the video we mentioned.
And finally some good reads we want to share:
Have another point of view we didn’t represent? Send us a note using our contact us form.
This is a calling to all the women who work hard and take pride in their professional accomplishments. This week’s episode commemorates Equal Pay Day which took place on April 10th in the U.S. Advocacy should happen throughout the year, and you are accountable for your pay everyday. Listen to this episode to learn more about resources and tips to make sure you get your equal pay!
What is Equal Pay Day? It is a day meant to show how far into the year women must work to earn what men earned in the previous year. The actual day varies depending on the year and the country. Germany is another country who celebrates the day. It might seem that acknowledging that women are not being paid equally for equal work is no cause for celebration, but by spreading awareness of the issue then we can collectively and individually take action.
This year, the day took place on April 10th. And a new addition for this year, is laying out equal pay days by ethnicity. See below for the days:
February 22, 2018 Asian American women’s Equal Pay Day
April 10, 2018 All women’s Equal Pay Day
April 17, 2018 White women’s Equal Pay Day
August 7, 2018 Black women’s Equal Pay Day
September 27, 2018 Native women’s Equal Pay Day
November 1, 2018 Latinas’ Equal Pay Day
We referenced percentages on the episode and we obtained that data from the Vox article: The Gender and Racial Wage Gap
We talk about the American Association of University Women founded in 1881 and their mission to advance equity for women and girls through advocacy, education, philanthropy, and research. Check them out for some good educational resources including how you can find out the gender pay gap in your state. The interactive map helps you find out the strength of the equal pay laws in the state of interest. We talked about the highest gaps:
- Louisiana- 70%
- Utah- 70%
- West Virginia- 72%
And where we have made some progress but are not there yet:
- New York- 89%
- California- 88%
- Florida- 87%
We go through our experiences and highlight actions so that you can take ownership for narrowing your pay gap. We cover the topics below and more. Make sure you listen to this episode!
- Take a negotiation course
- Do your research-Maddie- starts from the initial interview not even at the negotiating table- glassdoor; salary.com; etc
- Quantify your value
Dating trends continue to get interesting and in this episode we discuss the latest alphabet soup for 2018. In case you still might be catching up with catfishing and ghosting, don’t worry, we also have a recap of the top 2017 dating happenings. You will want to get familiar with these terms- so that you can spot and avoid them- you don’t want to get caught in these situations willingly.
Ghosting is so 2017, it’s 2018 and with that comes even more dating behaviors to look out for as you continue or embark on your search for bae. This as an educational episode and we will introduce a few words you may have not heard, and give examples of what behavior comes attached. Even if you are thinking no strings attached is your game, being in the know doesn’t hurt. Remember, we want you to be successful on your dating journey. Success doesn’t happen overnight so a check in is always welcomed.
We kick off the episode by giving a recap of the 2017 trends. When we first started No Free Drinks, we dedicated an entire episode on ghosting. If you still have questions on what that is make sure you check it out: Episode 3, Casper the Friendly Ghoster. Another big one last year was breadcrumbing, which is “the act of sending out flirtatious, but non-committal text messages (i.e breadcrumbs’) to members of the opposite sex in order to lure a sexual partner without expending much effort.” Maddie shares her stories of being both a victim and a perpetrator. And one that continues to be a repeat offender- phubbing. This funny word refers to ignoring your date or partner so you can look at your phone. Terrible behavior- but Lina D is definitely guilt of this one and she shared how it can have an impact on your budding and long term relationship. Poor Westley was a victim here…
Now that you are caught up, we can move on to the “newer” trending behaviors on the dating scene. You have been warned that these are not behaviors you should be seeking so listening and reading will help you avoid wasting time on dates that will go nowhere.
First one up is flexting and this is when someone pads their dating profile by inflating who they actually are with the goal to impress the person who will eventually accept a date with them. Flexting takes place before you meet the first time so try not to quickly fall for what you read on the profile- temper your expectations and get the real story on the date. According to Plenty Of Fish 47% of singles have been “flexted.”
Cricketing is when someone deliberately leaves a text message on “read” for la really long time for no reason. For those of you with Cricket phone service, you are no longer allowed to blame your phone company.
Whoever thought ghosting would evolving into other forms?! We definitely didn’t think these would become a thing but ghostbusting and hauntings are now on the list. When your ghosting victim isn’t getting the hint, guess what they are ghostbusting. And a haunting happens when someone refuses to let a person go on social media even after the encounter has been confirmed dead i.e. that person you ghosted is only pretending to have gotten the message. But be warned this also happens with relationships!
Lastly, fauxbae’ing is when a single person pretends to have a partner on social media, and a word that Lina D seriously butchers.
In this episode we have fun with numbers and share our points of view on various topics in dating, relationships, and sex that touch an arithmetic. Math wasn’t your favorite subject? No problem! We still want you to listen and share what you think.
Do you think dating is a numbers game? The co-hosts have a conversation on their points of view. Lina D talks about how dating apps have made it super easy to connect with people and makes it so much easier to fall into a trap of just going on dates to go on dates. Maddie talks about how to hack online dating, a TED talk that highlights how dating is a numbers game.
Are there any rules you have for yourself that are tied to a magic number? The co-hosts talk about their own rules, and we would love to hear yours.
Do you have any number related topics that are off limits to discussion with a partner? We talk about body count, number of exes, and length of relationships.
Lastly we talk about how numbers shouldn’t be used to determine someone’s value.
The next episode of our Me Too series is here. The beginning of this year has highlighted that domestic violence is sadly still plaguing homes. We wanted to talk about the different ways domestic violence takes a toll on homes and individuals and highlight how pervasive of an issue this is across society.
We reference a video and a movie in this episode, if you listened and want to check it out, the links to view it or learn more are here:
We open the episode by discussing the different types of domestic violence and sharing some of our experiences.
The different types of abuse:
- Physical: You may be experiencing physical abuse if your partner has done or repeatedly does any of the following tactics of abuse
- Emotional: You may be in an emotionally/verbally abusive relationship if you partner exerts control through
- Sexual: Sexually abusive methods of retaining power and control include an abusive partner:
- Reproductive: Reproductive coercion is a form of power and control where one partner strips the other of the ability to control their own reproductive system. It is sometimes difficult to identify this coercion because other forms of abuse are often occurring simultaneously.
- Financial: Economic or financial abuse is when an abusive partner extends their power and control into the area of finances. This abuse can take different forms, including an abusive partner
- Digital: Digital abuse is the use of technologies such as texting and social networking to bully, harass, stalk or intimidate a partner. Often this behavior is a form of verbal or emotional abuse perpetrated online. You may be experiencing digital abuse if your partner:
We found a visual that helps understand the various dimensions of abuse and how someone could be experiencing either one or more types at the same time. Visit the link to learn more.
We take a look at domestic violence trends:
- Globally, men who are exposed to domestic violence as children are 3-4 times more likely to perpetrate acts of domestic violence as adults than men who weren’t.
- Homicide is one of the leading causes of death for women aged ≤44 years.* In 2015, homicide caused the death of 3,519 girls and women in the United States. Rates of female homicide vary by race/ethnicity (1), and nearly half of victims are killed by a current or former male intimate partner
We also cover off on some of the biased points of view that are held when it comes to domestic violence:
- Societies willful ignorance: “It’s understandable what she means there, but perhaps it’s time our society started to think of physical abuse, possessiveness and men’s entitlement to act in those ways toward women as terroristic, violent and radical.”
- Men are victims too: We found how limited resources are for men that have experienced domestic violence. There are a lot of staggering facts, and we spend time talking about this topic because it is important to note that domestic violence can impact anyone and all victims should all be able to get help. Read more here. We highlighted the ones we found most surprising below.
- Almost half (48.8 percent) of all men have dealt with some sort of psychological aggression by an intimate partner. This number is equal to women at 48.4 percent.
- Nearly 1 in 18 men have been stalked by an intimate partner to the point they were scared for their life or safety or the lives or safety of loved ones.
- An estimated 10.4 percent or approximately 11.7 million men in the U.S. have reported having an intimate partner get or attempt to get pregnant when the male partner didn’t agree to it.
- About 2 in 5 gay and bisexual men will experience intimate partner violence in their lifetime.
It is important to know that you can get help, and as someone that wants to make a change, know you can also donate your time to help others.
- There are national and local organizations to get help if you or someone you know are victims of domestic violence
- If you’re not most of these organizations are always looking for volunteers or donations so if you have the time please give your time or money