Ep 35 – A Side Piece Has No Name

Episode 35: A Side Piece Has No Name

We wanted to talk about side pieces because we all hear stories of people not knowing where they stand with the person they are seeing. Most times it is because they are a side piece, but they just don’t know it. As glorified as the side piece culture has grown, many are still oblivious to the rules that come with stepping into that situationship. Part of what we want to achieve with this episode is to outline the red flags that come up when someone is caught in a side piece type of relationship.

We start the episode by sharing the rules of the side piece agreement. We found this article via Huffington Post written by Zondra Hughes, The Sidepiece Agreement: 10 Rules for The Other Woman. It is a rule book of what to expect as the side piece in a situationship. Although it is originally written as rules for the woman, it can apply to anyone regardless of gender. These are the rules:

  1. You are the other person. This does not mean that you are the only other person. Act accordingly.
  2. Please focus on the stolen moments that we spend together. Do not concern yourself with my whereabouts when we are apart. Frankly speaking, my life outside of our time together is not your concern.
  3. Be comfortable with who you are to me; do not mention my significant other, as that person is not your concern. Do NOT compare yourself to my main partner in any way and do not attempt to contact them — to do so would be a breach of our agreement.
  4. Anticipate frequent changes in our plans; for the most part, a spur of the moment escape is the best that I can do.
  5. You must understand that maintaining a positive vibe while we are in each other’s company is vital to the success of our situationship. No bickering or nagging about promises that I didn’t keep.
  6. We are secret lovers; we can’t blast our situationship to the world. Please don’t tag me on Facebook, and don’t send me invitations to your work/family functions or events. Major holidays — more likely than not — will be missed.
  7. No discussions about “where this situationship is headed.” We are where we will be; together, in this moment. Enjoy it.
  8. Yes, I am still sleeping with my significant other, and we do not use condoms. Again, focus on our time together, and not what I do while we are apart.
  9. I am not interested in bringing a child into our situationship. By the way, an unplanned pregnancy will not force a relationship commitment of any kind from me nor will it guarantee a promotion to main status for you.
  10. There are no guarantees about the outcome of our situationship save one: I am a cheater at heart, and that won’t change unless I want it to. Until that happens, if you are promoted to the main, please know that yet another side piece will fill the vacancy that you’ve left behind.

Maddie, Lina D, and Westley share their points of view on side pieces and discuss the pros and cons of being a side piece. The most frustrating piece for Lina D is that certain people get into these situationships without acknowledging the consequences of the actions.  There is also an assumption that the nature of the relationship with morph into something that it is not.

Maddie talks about the misogyny of the side piece culture, and how “the definition of the side chick is usually dependent on the man’s control – she is the side chick because he has said she is. However, why do his terms and his terms alone get to define the relationship?” There are some interesting points made in this article. We also discuss how men are applauded for getting the girl while only having to deal with her part-time while her main deals with all the “hard” stuff. However, women are criticized for having a side piece.

Make sure you listen to this episode for this juicy conversation piece.

Ep 34 – Lets Talk About Firsts

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The episode opens with an introduction of the new No Free Drinks co-host! You have heard them speak before, and they were a fan favorite. We are lucky to have this person back as a full-time co-host. No spoilers here so make sure you listen to the episode. After a re-introduction, our new co-host talks about the reasons they joined No Free Drinks.

And since the release of this episode coincides with Valentine’s Day, Lina D couldn’t help but to spend a little bit of time talking about the Hallmark holiday. Lina D grew up being a fan of el día del amor or the dia of love, and talks about what the day has meant to her. The rest of the NFD crew shares their experiences with Valentine’s Day and their views on the day.

So let’s talk about first dates! What does a first date look like anyway?

So let’s talk about first kisses! Whether you gave or were given the first kiss, it seems to be one of those experiences that can’t be forgotten.

So let’s talk about first time having sex! We save you the details of our experiences, but we do share the interesting stats about how teens are now more responsible when it comes to having sex: You can read the full article by CBS News.

The highlight is that the percentages of teenagers having sex have dropped since 1988. 42% of women aged 15 to 19 report having sex at least once; in 1988 that number was 51%. 44% of men in the same age group report having sex at least once; in 1988 that number was 60%. Another interesting point is that very few teens had their first experience of sexual intercourse with someone they “just met.” Only 2 percent of teen girls and 7 percent of teen boys reported doing so. Instead, nearly 75% of women and 51% of men reported that their first partner was someone that they were “going steady” with.

What are some of the factors that have led to more responsible behavior with having sex for the first time? We think it is closely related with how much more open we are as a society now than 20 years ago. But if you compare the U.S. to countries in Europe you will see that the U.S. is still more socially conservative. Being open and talking about sex has tangible benefits and there are places that do it better than the U.S. We highlight some of our favorites, and you can also read more in this article, “5 Countries That Do It Better: How Sexual Prudery Makes America a Less Healthy and Happy Place.”

This article highlights that countries that embrace the things that social conservatives detest- comprehensive sex education, pro-gay legislation, nude or topless beaches, legal or decriminalized prostitution, adult entertainment- tend to be countries that have less sexual dysfunction than the United States. If you compare the sexual attitudes in the United States to sexual attitudes in Western Europe, it becomes evident that there is a strong correlation between social conservatism and higher rates of teen pregnancy, abortion and sexually transmitted diseases. More information is in the article but you can find the country highlights we talk about below:

  • Netherlands: Sex education starts at age 4, and it is a part of an educational event called “Spring Fever.” It is a week in primary schools focused on sex ed classes. 4 year olds learn about sexuality, 8 year olds learn about self-image and gender stereotypes, and 11 year olds discuss sexual orientation and contraceptive options.
  • Switzerland: Sex ed starts as early as kindergarten. Children ages 5-13 learn about “good touch/bad touch” and teachers are allowed to answer questions in an age appropriate manner.  From age 13 up the conversation shifts include discussions on the actual act, STI’s pregnancy, etc. Prostitution is legalized and federally regulated; besides your standard escort service and strip clubs there are sex clubs, massage parlors and sex boxes (designated areas where you can drive-in and get serviced)- this is an area where the U.S. has not become progressive.
  • France: In France, sex education has been part of school curricula since 1973. Schools are expected to provide 30 to 40 hours of sex education, and pass out condoms, to students in grades 8 and 9. In January 2000, the French government launched an information campaign on contraception with TV and radio spots and the distribution of five million leaflets on contraception to high school students.
  • Germany: As a country, they support comprehensive sex-ed programs, legal prostitution and same-sex civil unions before legalizing gay marriage in July of 2017. Sex ed classes can start as early as when the child is 5 years old (Berlin), some will wait a little longer starting in the 1st grade but at 8-9 years old, all children will have started the classes. They cover the process of growing up, bodily changes during puberty, emotions involved, the biological process of reproduction, sexual activity, partnership, homosexuality, unwanted pregnancies and the complications of abortion, the dangers of sexual violence, child abuse, and sex-transmitted diseases. It is comprehensive enough that it sometimes also includes information on sex positions and the correct usage of contraception.

Let’s talk about other firsts! The NFD co-hosts share stories on their first time having an orgasm, first time buying a sex toy, and first oral experiences- giving and receiving.

 

Ep 33 – Dating Apps In Color

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Show Notes:

Episode Description: Brock joins us in his last episode with the No Free Drinks crew to talk about how race or ethnicity plays a role when using dating apps.

We have talked about dating, dating apps, but we haven’t specifically talked about how race or ethnicity plays a role in dating. Many people claim to be open minded about who they choose to date, but a view of OkCupid’s dating stats tell a different story. We dive into the story behind the numbers.

OkCupid has released United States based dating statistics by race.  This is based on their user base. You can find more details in the article here. We have all heard and seen cases where dating apps aren’t friendly to people of color and that finding the right match isn’t easy. There are some interesting trends if we compare 2009 to 2014. Reference the exhibits in the link above and find the 2009 chart labeled “OkCupid QuickMatch Scores.” There is a second chart with the same title for 2014.

First Westley and Brock go into the details of 2009:

When it comes to men’s preferences for women, the report shows:

  • Asian men prefer Asian women first and then White women
  • Black men prefer Asian women and Latina women equally
  • Latino men prefer White women first, then Asian women, then Latina women
  • White men prefer White women first, then Asian women, then Latina women
  • All men ranked Black women as least desirable

When it comes to women’s preferences for men, the report shows:

  • Asian women prefer White men first and then Asian men
  • Black women prefer Black men first, then White men
  • Latina women prefer Latino men first, then White men
  • White women prefer like White men first, then Latino men

Then we reviewed the trends in 2014:

When it comes to men’s preferences for women, the report shows:

  • Asian men prefer Asian women, then White women and now also consider dating Latina women
  • Black men prefer Asian women and Latina women equally, and now also consider dating Black women
  • Latino men reversed order and now prefer Latina women first, then Asian women, and then White women
  • White men reversed their top two and prefer Asian women first, then White women, and then Latina women
  • When it comes to men from other races/ ethnicities, they ranked Black women as their least preferred

When it comes to women’s preferences for men, the report shows:

  • Asian women reversed and now prefer Asian men, then White men
  • Black women prefer Black men only
  • Latina women prefer Latino men, then White men
  • White women prefer White men, then Latino men
  • Women’s racial preferences have gotten stronger since 2009- as in they are less likely to be open to date races and ethnicities different from their own.

Lina D, Westley, and Brock discuss their theories on why they think this trend has happened. Lina D goes into male privilege being a factor since women have to think about the situations they place themselves with dating and if they haven’t been explosed to other ethnicities growing up or they are not a part of their friendship cirlces- then they are less likely to feel safe surrounding themselves with diverse men when it comes to dating.

A note as you are reading these tables, the values in these tables are “preference above/below vs. the average.” Think of them as how people weigh race in deciding attraction. So, for example, latina women find latino men 18% more desirable than the average man.

Westley, Brock, and Lina D discuss what these trends say about dating for people of color.

The stats above make us think about the power of having apps that are specifically targeting communities of color. If people are already self selecting in the mainstream apps, would they have better results in finding their match on apps that cater to a specific ethnic group? We talk through some of the apps for people of color that are out there. And you can also read this great article to get another point of view. Between Westley, Brock, and Lina D there isn’t a wide spread use of the apps targeting people of color but Westley does share an interesting story about his experience with SoulSwipe. The other apps we talk about are: Bae, Meld, and MiCrush.

Since it seems that ultimately, people of color have a much smaller pool to choose from for dating, Brock talks about how he has opted to be more proactive about swiping when he is traveling abroad. Based on his experience, Brock gives his advice on what country you should be swiping in if you want to meet more diverse and open minded people. Brock’s advice is to go where your background and ethnicity is seen as unique. In his experience, those homogenous cultures reward being different unlike the U.S. In his last episode, Brock talks about his experience on dating apps in Zagreb, Croatia; Mexico City, Mexico; and all-inclusive resorts/cruises. He does warn you to do your research on the resort or cruise you select as lots are heavily skewed towards family and/or couples.

Lina D talks about the openness of men approaching her abroad vs. the U.S. and Westley has found that more women liked his profile while he was abroad than in the U.S.

The No Free Drinks co-host thank Brock for having played a role in starting the podcast and wish him luck in his future projects!

 

Ep 32 – All Balance

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Show Notes:

We start with recapping all the episodes in the wiser you toolkit:

  • Kicked off the year giving you advice on how you can change your approach to dating with Episode 29 Date to Win
  • A key for to establishing successful relationships which is hardly ever talked about, is being honest with your partner about expectations for the future. In Episode 30 Crash and Burn we talk about how to have a plan in the event your new partnership- cohabitation, domestic partnership, or marriage- goes south.
  • And last week we dedicated an episode to empower our community by giving them more actionable ways to manage their mental health in Episode 31 Woosah and Flow
  • If you haven’t checked these out yet make sure to do so!

 

Also have news to share which is directly tied to achieving balance.

 

We dive into our advice for achieving balance in your relationship

First things first- avoid compromising on the following: independence, other relationships, interests, self-esteem, and goals & aspirations.

Honesty is key. Be honest with yourself and ask yourself the following questions:

  • Do I actually want to date (generally speaking or a specific person) or am I using my busy schedule as an excuse? We covered this in episode 29 so let’s assume this person already wants to date
  • If I have a regular 9-5 job am I okay with dating someone who works long days, weekends, and/or is on call so he/she doesn’t have lots of time to see me?
  • Vice versa, am I willing to put in the work to date someone with a much freer schedule than mine?
  • Is location important to me? I.e. different city/ boro, state, long distance

Be honest with your partner and make sure you:

  • Have a conversation around time and commitments
  • The amount of time you can/want to devote to ‘us’ time
  • The amount of time your partner wants for ‘us’ time
  • Agree on a general plan for the amount of ‘us’ time you two will commit to
  • Even more important when the relationship is long distance

 

Time management for couples is very important.  Here is our advice:

  • Adjust your schedule accordingly
  • Prioritize current responsibilities
  • Reduce or eliminate some
  • Have a stand-in date night(s)
  • Integrate group activities in your schedule every now and then since time is limited and balancing your new partner with your friends may seem hard. This will also help your loved ones get to know your new partner.
  • Travel together- lets you both unwind and disconnect from everyone else

Ep 31 – Woosah & Flow

On this episode of the wiser you toolkit, we focus on mental health, the importance of self care, and will give you practical advice to help you manage your own mental & emotional health. We welcome a special guest, Esperanza, to share her journey, expertise, and commitment to spreading awareness of mental health, especially for communities of color.

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Show Notes:

In the Date to Win episode (ep. 29) we spent a lot of time talking about accessing your mental health before you decide to give time to dating and meeting other people.  We wanted to dig further into this topic and help you navigate your own mental health journey.  

 

In this episode, we talk about:

  • Our guest’s dedication to promoting mental health awareness, especially for communities of color
  • Recommendations for those who want to change how they manage their mental health
  • Tips for seeking out therapy
    • Stigmas
    • Psychologists versus Psychiatrists versus Social Workers
    • Thinking about prescribed medication
    • Going into therapy with intentions
  • Tech tools to help you manage your mental health
    • Insight timer
    • Gratitude
    • Wobot

Ep 30 – Crash And Burn

This week in the wiser you toolkit we talk about how you can protect yourself and your assets when you decide to enter into a partnership with your significant other. This partnership can come in different forms- cohabitating, domestic partnership, or marriage. The fact of the matter is that when your relationship reaches this level, you are merging your life and belongings with someone else’s so make sure that you set expectations and form agreements for when things go south. Here is a useful toolkit to protect yourself if shit crashes and burns.

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Show Notes:

This week in the wiser you toolkit we talk about how you can protect yourself and your assets when you decide to enter into a partnership with your significant other. This partnership can come in different forms- cohabitating, domestic partnership, or marriage. The fact of the matter is that when your relationship reaches this level, you are merging your life and belongings with someone else’s so make sure that you set expectations and form agreements for when things go south. Here is a useful toolkit to protect yourself if shit crashes and burns.

If you listened to episode 26, The Barber Shop there was a part of the conversation where Westley touched on prenups. It was an interesting conversation and the rest of the co-hosts learned a lot about what prenups cover and what they don’t. We wanted to expand on the topic of prenups but in the context on how to be prepared if things crash and burn. We will dive in a bit deeper into prenups and talk about other things you should put in place when your relationship is going well in the event that one day you both decide to split ways.

What should you think about if you are living together but are not married?  We give you some areas to think about and decide if they are good solutions for your relationship. But first let’s look at some stats to understand how the numbers support you putting together a plan in case things crash and burn. Read More.

“A 2010 Census report put the unmarried-partner population at 7.7 million and 56.5 million for the married population.” If you are talking about moving in together, you should draft a cohabitation agreement before you move in together. Here are the things you should think about:

  • Have an agreement in place that details how you plan to share assets, debts and any property we have now or may accrue in the event of a split
  • If you are in a committed relationship consider a domestic partnership

 

Another type of agreement you can consider if you are cohabitating is a domestic partnership. “A domestic partnership is an interpersonal relationship between two individuals who live together and share a common domestic life but are not married (to each other or to anyone else).” The protections of a domestic partnership vary state to state, and city to city. 11 states that full recognize domestic partnerships are: California, Colorado, the District of Columbia, Hawaii, Maine, Maryland, New Jersey, Nevada, Oregon, Washington, and Wisconsin.

Lina D provides a more in depth summary of how the domestic partnership agreement works in New York City and highly encourage that both parties of the partnership look into the terms, benefits, and understand the differences vs. being in a marriage.

In NYC you have to register with the City Clerk’s Office and according to the office requirements are: Read more.

  • Under city law, both partners must be New York City residents, or at least one half of the couple must be a city employee at the time of registration. Both partners must be a minimum of 18 years old and live together at the same residence. Neither partner may be legally married or registered in a domestic partnership with a third party. Acceptable identification for registration purposes include original birth certificates, driver’s licenses, passports, U.S. immigration cards or official education records.
  • Benefits:
  • New York City employees receive the same availability of benefits whether legally married or registered in a domestic partnership. Among these rights are health benefits, child care and bereavement leave. Surviving domestic partners of New York City police or firefighters killed in the line of duty may continue to receive health insurance coverage.
  • Visitation Rights
  • Housing benefits
  • What isn’t included:
  • Domestic partners in New York City are not eligible for state income tax benefits permitted for spouses and cannot take out the equivalent of spousal insurance policies.

 

So what happens if you didn’t prepare for the split? Here are our list of suggestions on what you need to do.

  • Make sure you can pay the monthly obligations(s) in its entirety in the case of a break-up before you take on legal responsibility to pay the above
  • Have both names on all of the above to ensure you’re made whole down the line if your significant other moves out and doesn’t contribute his/her half while the dispute is being settled
  • Sublet/AirBnb/Break Lease/Sell House/Get a Roommate
  • Legal Action, small claims court or civil court

 

  • Understand your options if you lose your health insurance
  • Know how you split the high end assets
    • Ideally, you and your ex can divide big-ticket household items amicably, based on who bought—or most uses—a particular item
    • If both want an item and the item was purchased together then figure out a buyout price
    • If you can’t, and he or she absconds with something valuable, consider legal action…small-claims court or civil court
  • Talk about who gets to keep each pet

 

Lastly, Westley talks about the definition of marriage and the different types of divorce. Marriage is not only a romantic relationship, but also a business relationship. This dual nature and purpose of marriage has led to the increased acknowledgment that a prenuptial agreement (also called a premarital agreement or prenup, for short) can be useful to protect each spouse’s financial interests.

These are the pros of a prenup:

  • A premarital agreement can protect the inheritance rights of children and grandchildren from a previous marriage.If you have your own business or professional practice, a premarital agreement can protect that interest so that the business or practice is not divided and subject to the control or involvement of your former spouse upon divorce.
  • If you plan to give up a lucrative career after the marriage, a premarital agreement can ensure that you will be compensated for that sacrifice if the marriage does not last.
  • A premarital agreement can limit the amount of spousal support that one spouse will have to pay the other upon divorce.

These are the cons of a prenup:

  • The agreement may require you to give up your right to inherit from your spouse’s estate when he or she dies. Under the law, you are entitled to a portion of the estate even if your spouse does not include such a provision in his or her will.
  • If you contribute to the continuing success and growth of your spouse’s business or professional practice by entertaining clients or taking care of the home, you may not be entitled to claim a share of the increase in value if you agree otherwise in a premarital agreement. Under the laws of many states, this increase in value would be considered divisible marital property.
  • A low- or non-wage-earning spouse may not be able to sustain the lifestyle to which he or she has become accustomed during the marriage if the agreement substantially limits the amount of spousal support to which that spouse is entitled.

What happens when you decide divorce is the best option? There are different types of divorce to think about:

  • No-fault divorce does not assign the fault of the divorce on one spouse, and cites no grounds for divorce other than a breakdown of the marriage. Spouses filing a no-fault divorce usually complete the divorce in an uncontested manner.
  • A collaborative divorce is similar to a mediated divorce, with one major difference. In a mediated divorce, the spouses hire one, unbiased mediator to solve the terms of the divorce. In a collaborative divorce, each spouse hires their own attorney to solve the terms of the divorce. The spouses usually meet with their lawyers privately to discuss the spouse’s wants and needs. Then, all four parties meet to negotiate the terms of the divorce. This process continues until an agreement is reached.
  • In an uncontested divorce, the couple reaches an agreement to settle the divorce issues, such as marital property division, alimony, child custody, and child support. Because the couple has collaborated on their divorce settlement, they do not need divorce lawyers or a divorce court hearing.
  • Alimony – A grant of spousal support depends on the facts of the case, such as the disparity between the income of the parties, the duration of the marriage, the health of the parties, and the presence of very young children. In New York, spousal support is rarely granted on a permanent basis, except in cases of physical or mental disability or when the parties are elderly (about 60 years old or older). Generally, it is granted for a set period of time so the other party can get back on their feet after the termination of the marriage. The length of time depends on the facts of the case as the judge sees fit to award.

 

 

Ep 29 – Date to Win

This week in the wiser you toolkit we talk about how you can form healthy dating and relationship habits in the new year. Even with dating, you can’t just say you want something to happen but not be ready to put the work in. Although we don’t often think about finding or keeping a relationship as a lot of work it is! So we wanted to give you a useful toolkit for winning in your dating life in the new year.

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It’s a new year and everyone has their list of new year’s resolutions. But it’s not enough to say you are going to do something different, you have to be committed and have a plan on how you are going to change your habits. This month, NFD brings you “the wiser you” toolkit. Every week we will release a new episode with a focus on how we can help you be wiser this year.

The first topic we tackle, forming healthy dating and relationship habits. Even with dating, you can’t just say you want something to happen but not be ready to put the work in. Although we don’t often think about finding or keeping a relationship as a lot of work it is! So we wanted to give you a useful toolkit for winning in your dating life in the new year.

The first step is to start with yourself! There are three major buckets to consider and we will give your our advice on how to approach each. As a summary, here are the 3 areas: emotional & mental health, checking your unhealthy relationship habits, and setting attainable expectations.

 

Emotional & mental health is important as you need to make sure you are in a position to take on a relationship.  These are the benefits to you if you focus on your emotional and mental health first, and then shift to getting to know other people.

  • You will be a healthier, more available partner if you feel good about yourself and you are able to take care of your own needs
  • Respect for time and taking time for yourself
  • If you are emotionally depleted, you will struggle to give to others or if you do, it will be at the expense of yourself
  • Make sure you are incorporating self-care practices into your dating life and gaining confidence by taking control of your life in the present
  • Don’t wait for a partner to make you happy or get your life together. Instead be sure to invest in yourself starting now
  • You should have your own hobbies and own friends before dating someone

 

Checking your unhealthy relationship habits is important because you become more self aware. The goal is to Identify the unhealthy habits you have been practicing, limit them, and ultimately  eliminate them. The following are examples of unhealthy relationship habits:

  • Keeping score (of who’s done what, who’s messed up the most, who cares more, etc.)
  • Being passive aggressive
  • Lying
  • Impatient
  • Putting up walls
  • Expecting your partner to read your mind (not speaking up for what you want and then getting upset at your partner for not knowing)
  • Trying to punish or inflict pain on your partner (either intentionally or unconsciously)
  • Unsupportive toward your partner’s goals
  • Name-calling
  • Acting jealous or possessive
  • Disrespecting your partner’s privacy or independence
  • Cheating
  • Physical or emotional abuse

In addition to identifying the habits you practice, you also need to take note of any patterns or triggers in your behavior. Many unhealthy habits may appear to keep you safe in the moment, but they prevent you from connecting with your partner and could represent lost opportunities.

If there is an unhealthy behavior that negatively impacted your relationships and you are having trouble identifying how to limit or eliminate- talk it out with your partner

 

You want to set attainable expectations for your growing relationship based on your experiences. Remember it starts with you and you need to be honest about what you really want. For example if you feel drained after thinking through everything we talked about in the first 2 buckets then don’t force it. Take the time you need and stay single- this is about you!

  • Start with what you have learned from previous relationships. Understand what those experiences taught you and consider what you are going to do differently. Make sure you have learned, otherwise you can be setting yourself up to make the same mistakes that can lead to bad relationships.
  • Don’t let your past haunt you, use it as a learning experience that can set up your new relationship for success. Access and reflect anything in your relationship past that continues to cause hurt, pain, anger, sadness, anxiety or poor self-image and find the silver lining. Turn a negative experience into an opportunity for positive interactions. Learning what not to do or better understanding your needs and values are powerful takeaways from the past.
  • Make sure you are defining what you are looking for in a partner and be realistic.

 

We also talk about common traps and misconceptions you want to avoid on your journey to date to win. Stop thinking that your ideal partner will magically appear without much effort on your part. Yes you need to go out, and you need to go to new places and try new things.  Don’t think that bomb sex = love. Don’t settle for less because you believe there are no worthy single people left. If you follow the first tip of taking care of yourself then you should be able to avoid falling into this trap. Stop thinking you can change people, its like you convincing yourself that you will be happy with someone who exhibits your major deal breakers or red flags.

Here are the things you will want to do to set your dating life up for success:

  • Step out of your comfort zone
  • Find new ways to date: apps aren’t everything.
  • You can still find dates IRL:speed dating, friends of friends, be open to approaching people i.e. the attractive person at the bar or bookstore, try new things and find hobbies, you never know who you might meet, going out during the day in social settings.
  • Don’t be afraid to redefine your approach.  For example, rely on chemistry if you usually are the type of person to build lists, tests, and need multiple dates to make a decision or take your time if you are the type of person that rushes into things.

The co-hosts close the episode with their top tip for finding love and the right relationship this year.

Ep 28 – Me Too: A Series

We couldn’t close out the year without touching on one of the most impactful topics of the year- the #MeToo movement. The hashtag encouraged women to share their stories of sexual abuse and harassment. The courageousness of these individuals to come forward is astounding, but if we want to enact change all of us need to be ready to have the difficult conversations. No Free Drinks is committed to play a role in enacting change with our special series, Me Too: The Series.

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In this episode we will give a recap of the movement behind me too and how people who have suffered in silence for years are finally comfortable to speak out against the injustices committed against them. We were inspired by Time Person of the Year 2017: The Silence Breakers. You can read the full article here: http://time.com/time-person-of-the-year-2017-silence-breakers/

 

Lina D and Westley open the episode and talk about why they wanted to create a series around Me Too. Maddie and Niko talk about why they are excited to be guests on this episode and why they think this topic is important.

 

These are the other topics covered in this episode:

  • Co-hosts share their experiences with assault or harassment and highlight what they did to deal with it
  • Touch on points of view heard from others that we disagree with
  • What can we do to create safer spaces
  • Our views on how we can continue to push change

 

This is our last episode of 2017. We wish you happy holidays and a very happy new year. Can’t wait to come back in 2018!

Ep 27 – Tis’ The Season To Be Cuffin’

Oh baby it’s December and it’s finally getting cold outside. Friends have started to come up with reasons to stay in, and you would rather not netflix and chill all by your lonesome. Instead, you have revamped your Tinder profile and are looking to get booed up until April. Join the NFD crew as they discuss the cuffin’ season phenomenon and dig a layer deeper to investigate some of the reasons why you could have a fear commit to a relationship.

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Show Notes:

If you don’t know what cuffing season is then listen to this episode! Cuffing season is when people start looking for someone they can spend long, frigid months with but aren’t exactly looking for a relationship. Our favorite definition is from Urban Dictionary:

“During the Fall and Winter months people who would rather be single or promiscuous find themselves along with the rest of the world desiring to be “Cuffed” or tied down by a serious relationship. The cold weather and prolonged indoor activity causes singles to become lonely and desperate to be cuffed.

You can find more information in this link:

https://www.askmen.com/dating/dating_advice/what-is-cuffing-season.html

Brock talks about some of the differences that may exist geographically and also provides clues of how you can tell that cuffing season is coming. Technically, the sole purpose of the season is to be with someone during the cold weather, so of course different parts of the country will be affected differently.

To access the visuals we discuss in the episode follow this link: https://www.huffingtonpost.com/2014/10/06/cuffing-season-guide_n_5941574.html

Westley, Brock, and Lina D share their experiences with cuffing season. Westley’s has witnessed the timing work out while dating on Tinder- lots of interest starting in October and a lack of interest by April. Lina D talks about her winter time break ups. And Brock reveals how he never really knew the correct definition of cuffing season. While he tends to seriously date when it’s cold, he has never gone into an arrangement where there is an expiration date

In the NYC area, this year has been a harder cuffing season. Summer like days have randomly popped up and it has been a lot warmer than we expect in November and December. The warmer days make it harder for people to fall into the cuffing season mood.  Could it be that this irregular weather could have people wondering if they can potentially be ready for a serious relationship instead of going through with the cuffing season phenomena?

For those that are on the fence, we wanted to give you some advice to help you decide whether or not you are ready to commit. The first thing you want to do is Identify if YOU have commitment issues. Often times we are ready to judge others without understanding how we feel.

Here are the possible signs that you are afraid of commitment:

  1. Making excuses: you are unreliable and often late. You end up agreeing to arrangements but start to look for excuses almost immediately to avoid going. You will end good relationships for the smallest of reasons, and when faced with commitment you withdraw emotionally and start finding faults.
  2. Move way too quickly too fast: you have short, intense and passionate relationships that burn out as quickly as they started. You commit too quickly which usually leads to crash and burn.
  3. You chase romantic partners who are unattainable
  4. You think that you can change the other person even though they don’t completely meet the criteria of what you want in a relationship.

Here is our advice for overcoming your commitment issues

  1. Determine what it is that you are really afraid of and is holding you back from commiting:
    1. Are you scared of getting hurt again? Let go of any past hurt, understand that your fear is irrational and can only control you for as long as you let it
    2. Is it fear of rejection?
    3. Perhaps fear of losing your freedom?
    4. Once you find it, don’t be afraid to take a risk
  2. Date only when you’re happy with yourself and feel 100% ready, or you’ll only attract the wrong relationships
    1. Focus on selfcare
    2. Draw from your positive energy and stop being reliant on others
  3. Vet the person with the right intentions
    1. Don’t just give your number out or accept dates unless you are genuinely interested
    2. Take your time dating someone and make sure you have shared values and aligned ambitions
  4. Don’t overthink things, but pay attention to your instincts
  5. Be open with your partner about how you feel

Make sure that you have gone through the process above before you rush into a relationship. If you are going through something difficult in your life, you might be more likely to rush into something that isn’t healthy for you. Beware of triggers from good and bad events. For example: the death of a loved one, seeing your family and friends go through new beginnings that are on a different timeline from where you stand in your life such as marriage and birth/adoption of kids. You especially want to watch out and steer clear from rushing into a relationship after a bad breakup or heartbreak.

 

Ep 26 – The Barber Shop

💈The Barber Shop is here💈
Barber shop: n. hang out area to get your haircut and talk to other men about your problems, listen to good music, and if you go to a good barber shop laugh up a storm.
Listen to our guests Neeko and Chedd shoot their barber shop talk with Westley and Brock. They talk who pays💸, masturbation✌🏽, dating apps old and new🤳🏾, and more! This is an episode you don’t want to miss.

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